September is such a shit month for me anniversary wise.

Today (as I write this) is the anniversary of my dad taking his life 37 years ago.

It doesn’t get easier.

He regularly is in my thoughts. Particularly when situations arise and I think the people involved are lucky I’m not like my dad. Well in some ways I am. But in one important one they are lucky because they are still standing. They would not like the combination of his short temper and para training.

Yesterday evening for some reason YouTube threw up a clip from NCIS (s18e09) where Fornell’s daughter dies from an overdose. In the clip Vance is asked to read a poem he had been given after the loss of his wife to the NCIS team.

I thought the poem was lovely and would be a suitable tribute for Dad and Nan.

Epitaph 

by Merrit Malloy

When I die 
Give what’s left of me away 
To children 
And old men that wait to die.  

And if you need to cry, 
Cry for your brother 
Walking the street beside you. 
And when you need me, 
Put your arms 
Around anyone 
And give them 
What you need to give to me. 

I want to leave you something, 
Something better 
Than words 
Or sounds. 

Look for me 
In the people I’ve known 
Or loved, 
And if you cannot give me away, 
At least let me live on in your eyes 
And not your mind. 

You can love me most 
By letting 
Hands touch hands, 
By letting bodies touch bodies, 
And by letting go 
Of children 
That need to be free. 

Love doesn’t die, 
People do. 
So, when all that’s left of me 
Is love, 
Give me away.  

As a final tribute to the only man I ever feared but loved with all my heart (yes a lot there to unpack for a therapist) here are some photos of post Army dad. I think we can all agree my beard is more impressive, and probably why subconsciously I started growing one.

Miss you Dad.