After a discussion with my fellow explorer of luxury accommodation Alan Sloman we have decided to do a series of podcasts about the luxury side of wild camping. So while Andy Howell and Podcast Bob are experiencing the lower end of wild camping, by cooking their own food, carrying their own stuff, the cold and rain. Myself and my fellow explorer will be under great duress and personnel suffering enduring luxury hotels, b&b's and all the nasty Michelin star food, king size beds with silk bedsheets, and spa treatments. It's possible we may even indulge in some wild swimming in a perfectly heated indoor pool, followed by a sauna. We will be doing this in the ultimate ultra light weight style possible by utilising door men and bell boys to carry our suitcases.
The plan is for us to go on our wild camps at the same time as Andy and Bob. You'll be able to listen to us suffer food that has only one Michelin star washed down by some cheap plonk probably a chateau Margaux 2009, and laugh as the wind and rain beat against the windows knowing some poor sods are out in the middle of nowhere in tarps and eating rehydrated food. You'll be able to enjoy our insightful witterings on current issues and solving the worlds problems over a Macallan 1926 and Cuban cigar, because the world hasn't heard enough from a couple of Middle aged slightly thicker round the middle than they should be men.
We'll bring you tips on how best to utilise the concierge to procure only the best escort services to help make slumming it in a luxury hotel with a one Michelin star restaurant bearable. There will be in depth discussion on our favourite spa treatments, you will find out which ones ended in disappointment and which ones had a happy ending. We will also be reviewing silk bedsheets and tell you have to identify the thread count of a silk sheet. There will also be survival advice as well, such as how to survive a cold spell when the central heating drops by a degree by sharing body heat with a female companion or three.
To compliment this new podcast there will also be a new website called SlackPackingLight. Which will deal with this fast growing sector of the outdoors world. This site will have indepth articles like just how many staff do you need to take with you on a luxury wild camp?, how many porters do you need to carry the picnic?, birthday suit or speedos when wild swimming? Which tree/bush is best for that all important campfire for toasting marshmallows? In camp entertainment beatbox, guitar or thrash metal band? There will also be the latest outdoors fashions tastefully displayed in lookbooks with the current cliched poses. Our two Michelin star chef will be bringing you the latest in camp fire recipes using molecular gastronomy techniques – some mores will never be the same. And to top it off our writers will be running an tips section with such great advice as save weight by using a stripper pole as a trekking pole.
Oh and we will have merchandise galore on the site, any old tatt that we can stick a logo on we will be selling. You thought KISS had a merchandising machine, we will be taking it to the next level. Who wouldn't want a condom with a silhouette of two middle aged men on it?
So I'm hoping you are excited about this new adventure/enterprise/chance to exploit the gullible as I am. I look forward to spending your money on my next luxury weekend away.